On ‘The Bachelorette,’ an old crone finds her Ken doll

You guys!

Did you hear?

“The Bachelorette” star Clare Crowley is 39 years old!

Do they even let women that old travel in public without a male escort? Shouldn’t she be in a cloister somewhere working a loom and making mittens for third-world children?

Clare is right on the precipice of that moment when bats come to roost in a woman’s womb.

The ABC harem-scarem dating show returned for its 16th season – and its first post-pandemic – with veteran “Bachelor” and “Bachelor Nation” star Crowley looking for love – and reminding everyone that, dammit, she’s 39 and she’s ready for love!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock – which, given our times, maybe you have been – you already know the outcome of “her epic journey for love.” ABC didn’t even bother to hide it well. The rumors have been out there for months.

Beyond the teasers promising the end of the franchise (“You’ve just blown up ‘The Bachelorette,'” host Chris Harrison tells her), it was a standard premiere episode, with the guys stepping out in limos to greet the aging beauty. She’s 39! Dammit!

The most anticipated arrival was former NFL player Dale Moss, 32 (though he’s a man so of course his age is irrelevant, except he’s younger, so we must wonder: Why is he interested in someone so close to death?).

“Can you believe we’re finally here?” he wondered.

“We’ve waited a long time,” she grinned and winked.

Dale and Clare TOTALLY are meeting for the first time free and clear. They TOTALLY have not bothered to get to know another on social media. If they were any more strangers to each other, Dale would’ve asked her, “Excuse me, ma’am, is your daughter here?”

Clare is 39! Dammit!

I gotta admit. I was not impressed. Dale has an interesting swagger, but he comes off like a Ken doll. He’s also a bad actor.

Clare, like a lot of old women, practically needed some smelling salts. She did a spin. She might have tumbled and then poor Chris Harrison would have to come out and pick her up.

“I think I may have just met my husband,” she whispered to the camera, expecting privacy in front of millions of people.

Harrison stepped out of the shadows like the dating Nosferatu he is and questioned her realization.

“I just felt it. I know. I’m 39! Like, you know these things!”

Dammit!

But there are far more interesting and, yes, even cuter men in the crowd.

Take Jay.

He showed up in a straitjacket to prove he was already crazy in love, and my man did not that thing off the entire night! That’s commitment. He even won a rose at the end of the night, and producers should now demand he wear the straitjacket for the rest of the season. How else is Clare going to recognize him? Clare is 39! Dammit!

My man Jay gets his rose (Photo: ABC)
My man Jay gets his rose (Photo: ABC)

Guess who didn’t get a rose? Tyler C., who brought the drama by revealing the dirt he had on single dad Yosef. Yosef had been “reckless on Instagram.” (Gasp!) He had been messaging some chick during quarantine, or some such sketchy story. Anyway, Clare proved to be unimpressed with the tattletale and sent him home. Yosef? He had to sweat until the final rose. Whew!

Next week: On the most shocking season ever, Clare gums her food and chats with the guys about stool softeners. Dammit!

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