Rita’s G-spot almost destroys the world.
There’s just no other way to explain the bizarre happenings in this week’s episode of HBO Max’s “Doom Patrol.”
And that’s not even the craziest thing.
Warning! We’re about to go deep into the Underground of spoilers!
“Sex Patrol,” written by Eric Dietel and Tanya Steele and directed by Omar Madha, opens in 1978 London with Danny the Street frustrated with Chief (Timothy Dalton) for leaving Dorothy (Abigail Shapiro), again.
She can’t live there forever.
“She needs you, Danny. I need you. As long as you are around, I know everything is going to be okay.”
Jump to Doom Manor in the present: No one has a clue how to fix Danny the Brick.
We’re in luck because the Dannyzens – led by Flex Mentallo (Devan Long) and Maura Lee Karupt (Alan Mingo Jr.) – drop in to help.
Flex, our Man of Muscle Mystery, knew Danny was in trouble when he felt that spasm in his thigh.
Maura suggests that since Danny is powered by love and joy and laughter, they must come together in one massive party to help him heal.
Jane (Diane Guerrero) remains locked in a cell in the Underground while the Hangman’s Beautiful Daughter paints in the manor.
Jane reminds Hammerhead that not everyone wants to leave, but Hammerhead insists their only job is protecting the kid down there – Kay.
Dorothy sings “Pure Imagination” from “Willy Wonka” to the crowd, the perfect song for a girl who has lived so much in her own head. Shapiro just has the loveliest voice.
Larry (Matt Bomer) attracts the attention of a buff guy who thinks he must be the fittest man in the room under all those bandages.
Larry, alas, has no game: “If I take them off, everyone here will die. Just completely melt and die.”
And that’s one romance that crashes before it starts.
Watching Flex flex everything from lights to flowers into existence gives Rita an idea: She seeks his help in gaining control over her powers.
All she has to do is clear her mind, Flex tells her. But Rita’s mind hasn’t been clear since the Hoover administration.
In her bedroom, she makes Flex face the wall while she lies down on her bed. Flex strikes a pose – and Rita experiences an orgasm that that reverberates as far as Nepal.
A sex demon with a periscope popping out of his head gets a fix on Doom Manor and melts away.
But it’s not all happy times for Rita.
She experiences a memory from her youth, back in Burbank, Calif., 1931, in which her mother had sex with a producer to make sure her little child star would get a role.
Cliff (Brendan Fraser) remains depressed after seeing his daughter, so the Chief gives him something extra for his nutrient tank – Ecstasy.
And that’s how we get Robotman doing the Robot at a party.
Cliff and Larry compare notes about being fathers. Cliff insists kids make everything worse. Larry corrects him: They are the ones who screw everything up.
“Our kids just end up paying for it.”
Lt. Kiss and Lt. Torture of the Sex Men crash the party.
They are there to save the world from a paranormal sexual event.
“I have so many questions,” Jane – whoever is in control of Jane – says.
Get in line.
The Sex Men follow the trail of sex ghosts to Rita’s room, where the sex demon known as the Shadowy Mr. Evans is about to give birth.
If that baby cries, it’s the end of the world. Every child on the planet will be destroyed.
Jane – with Hammerhead in control – marches right in.
Despite being roiled by waves of sexual energy, she shoves that baby right up Shadowy Mr. Evans’ hoo-ha.
Candlemaker tempts Dorothy into making a wish so she can become a grown-up. Dorothy confronts Danny the Brick, who reveals (via a message on a napkin), that he was her friend – but also her jailer.
Dorothy almost smashes him to bits with a hammer, but stops herself.
Danny later vows to be better, and says he’s not going to be a street. He’s moving on to something else. As proof – his next form is a tire.
All the Dannyzens hitch a ride out of Doom Manor.
Hammerhead relinquishes control to Jane, who doesn’t seem thrilled to be back.
The Candlemaker is furious with Dorothy and refuses to speak to her. How long will that last?
Next week: Larry meets his grandson. Dorothy meets Babydoll. Cyborg sees himself as Starsky. Or is he Hutch?