How can you kill off several cast members (maybe) and still produce an utterly turgid series finale?
Leave it to Tyler Perry.
The multi-hyphenate multi-tasker – credited as the creator, executive producer, writer, AND director of OWN’s “If Loving You is Wrong” closed five seasons of his prime-time soap with an hour sure to satisfy absolutely no one.
The finale opened with Marcie (Heather Hemmens) beating to death Randall (Eltony Williams) with a fire poker.
It was appropriately gory, and typical with a Perry show, ruthlessly drawn out.
Brad (Aiden Turner) came up with the brilliant idea of framing his ex-wife Alex (Amanda Clayton) for the crime by having Marcie switch clothes.
There’s no way Alex or most human beings walking the planet could fit into that skin-tight blue dress, and adding to the sheer stupidity of the reveal, when Alex was roused by a police officer, the dress she was wearing was actually baggy. Sure, Tyler.
But the most hilarious moment of the night came when Officer Rick (Kerry Rhodes), with a suspect in his car and the coroner pulled up, decided to hit on Kelly (Edwina Findley Dickerson).
Eddie (Joel Rush) (maybe) Tasered Ian (Jay Hunter) to death, sucker-punched Larry’s wife, and suffocated Larry (Donovan Christie Jr.) in his hospital bed.
For all that, his daughter Mika was murdered offscreen (maybe), and Esperanza (Zulay Henoa) shot Eddie to death.
If the series continued, Eddie would have no doubt jumped up and said, “Surprise, bitch! Bullet-proof vest!”
For all the action, the episode suffered from the same problems plaguing every single one of Perry’s shows: repetitive, listless dialogue; scenes that run on too long; and blocking that leaves actors just standing around awkwardly in a manner unlike any actual people.
Perry needs to learn how to play with others. He needs a writers’ room. He needs a stable of directors.
This finale bodes poorly for those hooked on Perry’s “The Haves and the Have-Nots” and BET’s “The Oval.” If this episode is any indication, there will be no satisfaction once those shows come to a close – and “Haves,” halfway through its seventh season, is looking mighty close to an expiration date.
But congratulations to Clayton, who got to sleep through most of the hour.
If only the rest of us had been so lucky.